mornglory: (Default)
Definately an interesting day today, but I don't think I am going to share much, since I seem to be sharing in a manner that comes back to bite in me in the ass later. It's part of what I'm not sharing about today.


I have been reading Motivational Interviewing by Miller and Rolnick, I believe, as required reading for my job this past week. I was initially quite grumpy about having to read this book because I couldn't find it in town, had to order it, had UPS issues getting it, and that left me with 6 days to read it. While I am not going to get it finished before work, I am certainly enjoying reading it.

It is a style of intervention with a client that really *clicks* for me. I like what I'm reading about, I like the theory behind it, and I want to learn more. I'm excited that our therapy supervisor recommended this book, since that is a good indication that this is his style. I feel like I've been groping towards this kind of intervention and didn't even know it existed.

It is a technique for therapeutically helping people resolve internal conflicts and make decisions. It's not about making decisions for them, but a set of guidelines, based out of Rogerian active listening, for how to help people come to decisions and actions intrinsically. I love how it views abiguity as a natural part of change, and defensivesness and resistance as an informative relational variable and not a flaw in the client. It is a more laid back style of intervention than I was normally taught and I am loving it.


I am excited about work, and trepidatious about leaving my little one. I will be glad to have something structured to do again, since the move disrupted the mothering structure I had built up with LB. And I have been floundering ever since. I have decided that I dearly need some local friends I can trust, more people like [ profile] almeda. Trying to make friends on the block is just proving far too . . . political and I am going to stop trying, except for the one next-door neighbor, who is apparently acceptable. I am hoping I can connect with fans in Chicagoland, since that is a subculture I am used to navigating.

I really miss T and [ profile] pickleboot and [ profile] envoy and [ profile] foxxydancr.
mornglory: (Default)
Of my many troubles with living here, two come to the forefront. I really DO have sensory integration issues, and I am constantly getting overwhelmed living here, to the point where I can honestly not see a plate left out of the counter. And I desperately want to dichotomize my relationships with people, and feel that I aught to know better when I catch myself doing it.

See, I apparently have this insidious little script running in the back of my head that goes "if they really care about me than they won't be hyppocrit who get on my nerves, and if they are hyppocrits who irriate me daily than they obviously don't care about me." What my little schema fails to recognize is that they can be both. And so I waffle between liking them and feeling betrayed and hurt. And the yo-yo effect is getting irritating. I wish I could stop, but I feel stuck and don't know how.
mornglory: (Default)
I guess I'm getting better at making time for these things.

I had a good talk with Pop tonight about how to make a life for myself as a public speaker. He suggested it when I said I wanted to write non-fiction for a living. He said the money was in public speaking, and all of the sudden I had an aha! that's it, that's what I've been waiting to figure out moment. It fits with what I enjoy about psychology too. I think I can pull it off. I'm not sure I want to pull it off to the scale that Pop thinks on, Donald Trump, J.K. Rowling, Tony Robbins sort of scale, but that's because I don't just want to sell myself to the highest bidding lowest common demoninator. But I would like it if I could get behind whatever I wanted to do with some passion. That's really what I want. I won't be able to do it without some passion and genuiness. But there are lots of things I feel passionate about, so one of them has got to be marketable.

So I'll spend the year, along with work and raising a kid, staying sane by poking and prodding ideas and self into the bare bones of a workable commodity. And I'll exploit Pop for all he's worth, as long as we stay here. A couple more inspirational speeches and practical advice, and I'll be able to figure out how to do this. Really, I will.

Day by day

Aug. 6th, 2005 03:29 pm
mornglory: (Default)
Living here is really teaching to take things day by day. Some days I think living here is great. Some days I think it's a horrible mistake. I don't feel any pressure to change where we are living. But I am letting myself learn how to feel unhappy about the parts I don't like without thinking that my unhappiness means something. I used to always think that my negative emotions were just the tip of a huge and overwhelming iceberg, so if I felt bad it must mean that I felt really horrible and just wasn't able to experience.

Now that thought has a legitimate truth to it. I have spent that past large number of years less than half my life working on learning to feel my feelings without panic or shutdown at how unmanageable they were. So often times the bit of emotion that did register did mean something big. But my ability to recognize and feel my emotions has grown, and I am learning to think differently about the emotional information I get from myself.

And I think I am going to try and write some fiction before I start work. Nothing big, just verbal doodles in a world that has been growing in my head. Perhaps I can make something out of it, perhaps not. If I get a good piece, I'll probably share it.
mornglory: (Default)
I am so glad the friends and family of my friends seem to have come through the London bombings alive and in one piece. Much relief there.

The small one and I had a better day today. She's gone back to nursing every couple of hours. She was in a happier mood. She took one nap in the morning. We missed the afternoon one because that was when my advisor could meet with me. She went to bed with much less fuss today, once we got on with it.

She did the cutest thing before bed. I sat on the floor, to give her some focussed attention before going to bed. She started bringing books over to me, and we read them for a bit before starting our bedtime routine. It's the first time she's shown any real interest in my reading to her. Normally we try and she takes the books away and plays with them. Today she actually let me read most of them. Or would give them back when she took them away. She even sat in my lap for some of it. Too cute. And hopefully a welcome addition to our nighttime routine. I'd love it if we could do things like this every night.

I am trying to be thankful for the less intense day, but not go "Oh thank you, things are back to normal." My latest parenting lesson is keeping in mind we are along for the ride, and thats a package deal. The days that are tough are just as much a part of it as the days that are easy. She's not here to be or do anything for me. She is her own person, and pretty dang dependent on me at that moment, but she's here for herself. And anything I want to get out of our relationship is something I have to do for myself (really, this is true in any relationship, but it's starkly clear for me in the parent-child dichotomy). I'll probably revolve around this topic later, because it's important to me, but a lot of my thoughts are well, conceptual-emotional-thoughtforms with a bodily experiential felt sense. Kinda hard to morph into words.]

But I do want to share a quote from Elizabeth Pantley's Kid Cooperation. I generally find her a little anal and a lot preachy, but this is a sermon I can get behind:
You cannot make a child eat, sleep, listen, move, say please, say I'm sorry, or go potty! Children have free will, and function totally independently of their parents from the moment of birth, even though they're totally incapable of surviving independently. It can be so frustrating. Kids are kids. They are not "rational" in the adult sense of the word. Often, we cannot understand what they are doing, or why, because they don't understand it themselves. Children are not mini-adults.

I really like that she stressed a childs functional independence. How true. I was never one to subscribe to the fused motherinfant school. I'm more of a "we are born alone, live alone, and die alone" person. As much as our lives may brush up against the lives of others, and we interact with them, we are not them and they are not us. We are the only people in our own heads, having our thoughts, feeling our emotions. No other single person experiences our stuff.

On the other hand, I also believe that we are all interconnected by all being a part of creation, so our separation is not total, but the conectedness is on a level that has nothing to do with consciousness, thoughts, emotions, or feelings. It is only by setting all of those aside, setting aside our I-ness, that we experience the connectivity. So in a sense, our I-nesses ARE always alone.

Ok, I'm sleepy now, and I'm going to go to bed.
mornglory: (Default)
I wanted to say thankyou to everyone who responded to last nights post with suggestions. Not only was it nice to hear kind words from people, but there were plenty of helpful suggestions there.

So, here is what we are going to try:

  • cutting the cow milk based foods out of her diet. if she responds well to that, i'll try adding goat's milk back into her diet first

  • get out with her more, no matter what time of day it is, even if it's just a walk to the playground a couple of blocks away

  • consistantly try for 2 naps a day at 9:30a and 2p, or earlier if she's showing signs of sleepiness. A consistent bed time routine when she is demonstrating fatigue, starting no later that 8:30p (that's on days where she gets 2 naps in)

  • find her some tummy medicine and try it

  • if the tummy medicine doesn't work a few days of tylenol and motrin to see if it's teething pain that's upsetting her

  • try this for 3 or 4 days, review, and if still in crisis, go see doctor

I'll try to remember to post what works and what doesn't. Probably just feeling like I have a plan for doing something will help.
mornglory: (Default)
I remember when she was three months old, that people would say, just hang on until she's 5 months, and things will get much better. So I gritted my teeth, sharpened my mental finger and toenails, and hung on, and things got better. She nursed less, she slept more. She became ever more self-entertaining.

Now, she's a year old, almost 13 months, and things are just hellish. Her sleep schedule is whacked. It's impossible to tell if she wants one or two on a given day. No matter what I try to guess, I seem to guess wrong. If she does get two naps a day, bed time is still miserable. I understand it's supposed to take an hour to settle her for bed, but . . . does it have to be an hour of screaming, thrashing, and either constant nusring (complete with friction burning in my nipple, and pinching, and grabbing) or constant screaming and demands for nursing. The best I can do is drape my body across hers so that she can't throw herself around (like knocking her head into crib bars) until she settles and goes to sleep. She seems to find it comforting, since once she realizes she can't go anywhere she WILL settle, but . . . I feel kinda horrible for "restraining" her to sleep. But I simple can not stand to nurse her that long. It hurts. Rather a lot. And we only nurse on one side because of the scarring, so there's no flipping back and forth. She wants nothing whatsoever to do with the right side. I've tried.

And she gets so upset and wails and screams and howls when she can't nurse, not just for sleeping, but during the day too. My new rule is that she can only nurse once an hour. I'll say yes once every hour duing the day and let her nurse for ten minutes. This is for my sanity, so we have yes and no limits that I can follow and have some structure. I'm going to try getting out more, but it's hard since I need to work on my dissertation too. And pack. Let's not forget packing. I'm trying to be a good mother, but I'm not only a mother, and I'm really just burned out with everything.

It's not all bad. Today she was cute and fun to be around for a few hours, and that was nice. I payed attention to that time and enjoyed it. I'll try to organize tomorrow better, and maybe we can have some more sanity. I keep believing that there is more sanity to be had. I'm just not sure what combination of behaviors on my part unlock the sanity.

Maybe it's just outlook. Probably couldn't hurt to try and have a more tolerant one of those. I can be more compassionate with her and myself. That will help. I'll try that. See, I now have something to try, which is all I really needed. I feel better.
mornglory: (Default)
So all classes, more or less, set me thinking. Something my systems prof said this morning was so apt to my situation, and was so simple, that I had one of those duh! why didn't I think of that moments. He said that we don't need to accept or reject all atributes of those people we think of as role models. We think that we accept or reject the whole person, and thus accept or reject all aspects of that person that we might emulate or seek to change in ourselves. I myself, have often done this. I don't want to do it THAT way because then I would be like X. But the simple thought that I can pick and choose, that I can emulate these qualities and reject those ones and . . . that's ok! What a simple yet revolutionary thought. It really resonated with me.
mornglory: (Default)
So, while I didn't manage to vacuum today, and there are some dishes in the sink, I did get a fair amount done today. Two loads of dishes and a deposited check later . . . Now tomorrow, I need to vacuum (really) and finish up with todays dishes (most of them from cooking dinner). And, if I'm feeling really bold, I'll wash the sheets in the spare room, and generally freshen up in there. Ok, now I need to introduce some exercise into the routine as well, and get back to drinking my herbal tea for uterine tone and iron and I'll be all good.

Yup, I can do this. Just gotta keep on going with a positive attitude, and not slip back into the comfortable lassistude of boredom. Though I'm sure I'll long for it soon enough. Just gotta learn how to pace myself. You know, it's truly amazing the things I've been willing to learn now that I'm pregnant. It's amazing how unwilling I am to push myself until I drop with this extra life entrusted in my care. Mayhap I will actually find that balance point that I've been elluding for so long.

And for a randomly good sign, though the "original" nail on the finger that got bashed was falling off (and I finally trimmed it off, except for a small piece today) there is half a nail bed's worth of healthy attached fingernail that was growing unseen underneath the dead nail. Yeah! My finger may look ugly now, but in a couple of months, no one will be able to tell I even mashed it.

Now, I need to find something else to reread before I run to the library for new books tomorrow.


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